Celery and Bovine Innards

My life lacks some serious drama - so much so that the only stories I have to share consist of the most insignificant events and that leads to mouthfuls of csb's. THAT'S WHY I'LL BLOG ABOUT IT BITCHES. So last week I was at woolies with my mum. I bent down to pick up a bunch of celery, turned around to put the celery in the trolley. But as I turned around, this man decided to walk in between the trolley and I. So I ended up stuffing the celery in the man's face. HAHAHA Ma bad. But seriously, at the time, I didn't even bother being subtle about the hilarity of it. I just let it out man. HAHAHA Anyway, on Thursday, we had our first Camden prac and we were on cattle that day. I think I can officially say that I've fulfilled everyone's expectations of being a vet student, i.e. I stuck my hand up a cow's ass!!! It was fricking warm - almost hot (I don't actually know where warm ends and hot starts...just...you get ma flow)...speaking of flow, the shit just flowed out man. Okay I should probably explain the sequence of events. Firstly, we were given full-length gloves and lube. Yeah - the guys went cray. "Lube it up", "Yeah man lube hurhurhur" HAHA worst thing is I was thinking it too. ANYWAY. We were taught what to look for, i.e. the foetus. Whaaaaat? Yeah. After we all lubed up, (hurhurhur) we had to position our fingers like a duck's beak and we stuck it. Hard. We kind of had to or else the shit would just push it back out. And the anus would contract up your arm as you stuck it in further and further. Plus the anus was so tight I, no joke, thought my blood circulation would be cut off. But I survived and even though I didn't feel jackshit (although I did feel cow shit - HAAAHAAHAA). Obviously photos were taken, but it's too much effort syncing my phone and uploading it. Aw dammit I actually want to upload it but I know there'll be 230398423 updates because I never sync my phone for that exact reason. So it's pretty much a cycle and updates are never updated. Cows are such weird animals - you'd think that they're harmless and stupid like sheep. Well they are. Not. Harmless. (HAAHAAA gotcha there) To give an idea of how flexible their hind leg is, they can scratch their ears with that leg, so when we had to bend over behind their ass to tie their leg, I was shitting myself. Why? Well after shitting myself, I stood up on the opposite side of the leg, i.e. behind the leg that wasn't tied, I pulled the leg up (for examinations etc) and the cow just fricking kicked like a cow. I know right - what a cow. It kicked horizontally and if I was standing there, it probably would've had enough power to throw me onto the other side. Other interesting things that happened this week: - Fricking telepathy: I'd randomly think about someone and realise I haven't seen them since graduation and nek minnit (actually like half an hour later which is still fricking trippy as hell) they whapp/text/inbox me RANDOMLY. Still don't think it's trippy? IT HAPPENED 4 TIMES. DON'T TELL ME THAT'S NOT TRIPPY NOW. - I thought I lost my phone but turns out it was on the driveway. In other words, I survived an entire night without my phone. In other words, my phone survived an entire night out in the cold. Soz phone. I actually feel bad for neglecting it as though it were a child. Is that weird? Wait. Not that i've neglected a child before. Lul where is this even going? - It sucks how the stuff you read about seems more interesting when you're not intentionally studying it. Today my dad asked me about the differences between bacteria and viruses. I started researching and CELL BIOLOGY HAD NEVER BEEN SO INTERESTING. WTF cell bio is basically my least favourite subject and when I read about stuff not related to the course, you actually become a fascinating research topic? I guess it's the same with English texts though. Sucks brudder. Okay I just drank this dessert and now I'm feeling hot. Which means I need to take my jacket off. Which means I need to end this post. WTF how is that even related? It's not. I just can't find a more creative way of ending this. HAHA. Okay bye.

One Year Later....

Weow. It's been so long!!! Exactly a year, a month and a day later, i'm finally posting. Woah everything is one___ later. #interestingobservation. Haha anyway, the most disgusting thing happened today. Yes. This is how i'm starting my first blog post after a long-ass break. I'm skipping a whole year's worth of events to today. So i was walking through our corridor thing to my room. I accidentally step on what I thought was a leather belt so I'm like "whatevvvvs" and continue towards my room .(This makes it seem like a really long corridor, but it's actually only like 5 metres? I don't know i'm really bad with estimating distances) I come back out of my room and I see this lizard scurry away. But this lizard seemed really different and I couldn't put my finger on it. NEK MINNIT i see this tail squirming and twitching on the floor and i just freaked man. FARKKKKK I will say, that i usually don't scream when i see like a spider or cockroach right. But this time, i just fricking screamed my ass off. I had goosebumps all over my arms and i could feel the lump under my foot for the next 10 minutes....even now i can feel it. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG it's actually the most disgusting thing that's happened probably in my life HAHAHAH. And i even looked under my socks. And there was blood. A few drops. But enough to give me chills. I'm sorry lizard, it was an accident. And now i'm fricking traumatised. I feel like my foot is cursed now cause i can feel these nerves in that area moving around...slightly tingly. Wow. I don't think this is normal. Okay that wouldn't be categorised a cursed....I think I came up with that 'cause we watched horror yesterday with an exorcist and ....okay let's not bring this up. It's night time. So anyway, I don't think anyone blogs now since the phase is probably over....but it feels good to be back. This blog is like someone who will never ever ever "CSB" these meaningful, insightful stories of my life. i.e. The stupid, insignificant, trivial events which i make a huge-ass deal out of cause i'm that bored. Man i really need a job. This is what the unemployed do. But I am trying to read HP. 12 years later. Fun fact (one of the reasons why i love this blog - it never cuts down my fun facts): at the front of HP and the Philospher's Stone, I have, written "This book belongs to Hilary 8.3.01" Yeah. I start reading it more than a decade later. Just a bit slow on the train....the Hogwarts train. HARHARHAHR Okay is that even a saying? But even the HP jokes on facebook are over. I'm only getting to the part where Harry meets his teachers. :( One of my New Years' resolutions was to read more, and finish Harry Potter. Well I only started reading HP like a few days ago so I'm waiting for CNY to come around so i can REALLY intensely read. That's what i love about CNY. It's always 1-2 months after New Years so i can always have a second chance to stick to my resolutions....which i never write down/ remember so basically in mid jan, i think of something and say "THAT will be my resolution"....where is this point even going..... LOL but you get my flow bro. Alright, I think I will blog more. If i have the time cause i'm a really busy woman. With my job and everything. Oh wait. HARHARHAR xoxo gossip gurrrrrrrll lulwut. Byeeeeeeee

New Year's Resolutions

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Even though it's already been almost a week into the new year, it still seems like it's just started. Wow that sounded so inspirational. This is only the beginning. Really? Okay so i've decided to come up with a list of shizzle that i will achieve this year. Like legit stuff, not stupid 'i will make more friends', 'i will lose weight', 'i will pass the HSC' crap. Well the last one better come true. And pass as in not getting a prize for 'participating in the HSC'.

So. Here is my very spontaneous list:
1. Limit myself to one set of HAHAHAHHAH or LOLOLOLOL in a sentence. And yes, i do go "HAHAHHAHA THAT'S SO FUNNY LOLOLOL HAHAHHAA". I think "LOL" would cover it. ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT, NO. IT DOES NOT. "HAHAHAHAHAH LOLOLOLOL HAHAHA" shows that i am appreciating the other person's (or my own...usually my own :) sense of humour. SO NO. I WILL NOT LIMIT MYSELF TO ONE SET OF HAHHAHAH LOLLL. but it does get annoying...probably for the other person cause that's the only thing in the conversation. Damnn these dilemmas.
2. I will limit my use of my phone. Especially facebook far out. Nothing happens on facebook yet my thumb automatically touches 'safari' and types in the URL bar "fa" and then bam, i'm on fb. I EVEN FRICKING DELETED THE DAMN APP SO I WOULDN'T GO ON. MOTHEREFFFF. This happens when a) i'm stuck on a maths question or b) i'm at a family friend gathering IN THE MIDDLE OF A MOTHERFKING INTENSE GAME OF MAFIA WTF I SHOULD BE CLOSING MY EYES AND GUESSING WHO THE DAMN KILLER IS OMFG.
I will deactivate actually. Problem solved bitchezzzz.
3. I will put in more effort into Jap. I chose it for a reason and it always seems to be my last priority. Yeah i know, best story of my life. Booker prize right there.

Okay can't be bothered thinking of more resolutions because i seem to have already resolved all my problems right there.

ANYWAYYY HAVE A BRILLIANT, SPECTACULAR YEAR AND GOOD BYEEEE FAREWELL AUF WIEDERSEHEN GOODBYEEEE okay don't know the rest.

BYEEEEEE

~heelorli

Like omggggg gurl powerrrrr

Okay the title wasn't supposed to sound sarcastic but I figured it would sound incredibly cheesy/corny to say "Girl power. Yeah!" with everyone's hands in the middle and then dispersing...HAHA

So I had this epiphany about something really important. Yeah my posts clearly show what I regard as important. Aaaaanywayyy I was thinking about Beyonce's songs, and they have this progression of increasing gurrrl powerrrrr...like tooootally....okay i should stop sounding sarcastic cause this is a legit argument. Not really an argument but a point i MUST highlight because it will make a huge difference to everybody's lives. Alright here's my evidence:

1) Cater to U(2004): There's something about catering to the man and preparing slippers and meals and shiz. Like omg no gurll powerrrrr.
2) Irreplaceable(2006): Pack your boxes and move on overrrr to the left!!! Wooo! No. this is not a gameshow.
3) Listen (2006): Listen to me bitch. You're going down. Pretty much what the song's about. Well starts off with the chick listening and succumbing to the man's orders etc etc submissive, obedient (the feminism topic from year 11...) and then she finally has the courage to speak her mind!! Wooooooo!!!! And she's like "I can sing whatever i like bitchezzz"
4) Run the World (Girls) (2011): Can it get anymore pro-female?

Also I wanted to say something about North Korea but there are probably peeps out there checking the Internet so i probs shouldn't say it. Lol cause they would totally check out my blog. Well if they do, HEYYYYYYYY BRUDDAS WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!!

Fun fact: I love the way Barney said "blog" in his estonian accent. So a good birthday present would be a recording of him saying "blog" in that estonian accent. LOL

Okies going to go do nothing now!!!

HO! HO! HO! YOU'RE ALL HOS!!!!
Just kidding. Or am I? No. I'm really kidding. Jokes. Not. Jokessssssss.......
Okay bye.

~heelorli

Ruined.

I'm sorry i ruined you. I'm sorry i stepped all over you. I'm sorry I treated you like you were invisible. I'm sorry i didn't value the one thing that matters to you. I honestly do care about you BUT NEXT TIME CAN YOU NOT SPIN YOUR DAMN WEB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FKING PATHWAY?

YOU'RE WONDERING WHY PEOPLE WANT TO KILL YOU? No. It's not because sometimes you're poisonous. No, it's not because you look fugly as...............alright sorry too far. Who am i to judge your appearance? And no, it's not because people are jelly of your long, thin legs. It's cause you make yourself feel at home in a fricking thoroughfare. People walk into your stupid sticky home. (ayee sticky ;)..........no.) Like i get that you want to catch some food, but really? Humans? Hunt on someone your own size much? Awks...someone's overestimating their size. You fricking know people are going to walk through it yet you stubborn little bitchez keep spinning it in the middle of a damn pathway Like........use your brains bro.

ANYWAY IT'S MANGO/BANAYNAY SEASON!!!! Bananas are down to $3.99 and mangoes were $20 a box from harris farm (haahaa i'm starting to sound like one of those woolies people promoting their fruit on tv....but it's harris farm......so suck it woolies. You money-leeching sons of bitchez...yet for some reason i still shop at you) so we bought $27 worth of fruit.

OH WOAHHHHHHHHH ALSO IS AN ANAGRAM OF LAOS!!!! How did i find out? Just then when i was typing "Also", it came out as "Laos"....there's also sola, loas, osla...nup. okay.

But um...(But um ;) Funny observation. We think Jules Gilly talks funnily/ annoyingly/ retardedly/ slowly/ boganly. HAVE WE EVER PAID ATTENTION TO HOW TONY ABBOTT SAYS "SATURDAY"?!?! HE FRICKING LEGIT SAYS "SATURDEE" HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA IFLY TONY...IT EVEN RHYMES!!! HAHAHHHA

Alright bye.

~heelorli

BKS

Okay, here's something less trivial. i know right, WOAH did i just hear you gasp?!

No? Cause i didn't either.

Illness: BKS, more commonly known as Black Knee Syndrome.

Causes: frequent HGHS oval sitting in a cross-legged position. (absolutely reliable research [my assumption] has suggested that it is prevalent among other schools, but it's a fricking epidemic here at Hornsbo)

Cures: Sitting in the shade, not sitting (i.e. kneeling, standing, squatting....lol jokes, squatting will give you BTS - black thigh syndrome), sitting in the coca-COLA

Just thought i'd spread the word. After all, prevention is better than a cure. SO SCRAP THE CURES AND GO PREVENT IT BY.....actually the cures are pretty much preventions.....just prevent it dammit.

Bye!! (fur real friends)

~heelorli

Wet. Hair.

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'VE MISSED YOU BLOGGY BLOG MCBLOGSTER BLOG-O!!!!!

What's been happening i hear you ask.

Well ten seconds ago, my wet hair was dripping on my maths textbook. And then i took the book away. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS cause i usually do maths right after i have a shower and i wash my hair everyday (yes i know it's bad but my hair becomes really oily...so damn oily it gathers into one bunch of glued- together hair...which only became so because i've been washing it everyday. Sorry hair. Wow hair is such a weird word.........okay.) Oh yeah and especially since the pages are so thin, the little areas around the drop crinkle up. I honestly try and avoid it. Sometimes i tuck my hair into my shirt/ jacket so that it won't drip onto the book...but then my neck gets itchy and i feel like fungus is growing on it.

Anyway something that REALLY fking pisses me off. I think i've blogged about the toilet paper issue. But something that keeps fking happening in this fricking household...well only one stupid ass, motherfking LAZY person commits this fking annoying crime. (based on my rules...which ruleeee the house!!! Jokes. I'm the youngest. I have no say. Jokes it's the 21st century. Times have changed bitchezzzz) Okay so this fking ass hole wiper...okay that's a bit gross. This lay-Z person (haahaa see what i did there? WHICH ALSO REMINDS ME of this funny joke i made up in eco since we were studying global trade organisations. Lol i just took that off the "World Trade Organisation"...what's the general name for the groups called? Something something...i could check my eco book but do i really look bothered? BUT I DO LOOK BROTHERED. HAAAHAAAAAA) Because.......the thing i was supposed to say is that my stupid bruzza has this habit of finishing like a packet of biscuits or some shiz, right, and HE DOES NOT PUT THE DAMN FINISHED PACKET IN THE BIN. WHERE DOES HE FKING PUT IT? BACK IN THE FKING BOX IN THE PANTRY. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. IS IT THAT HARD TO WALK LITERALLY ONE STEP AND PLACE IT IN A CONTAINER LINED WITH A FRICKING PLASTIC BAG?!?!?! THIS HAS HAPPENED APPROXIMATELY 34983724 TIMES (JUST ROUGHLY) FARK.

And why does it "brother" me? I open the pantry. I look for food. I look at what's in the biscuit box from the outside (through the transparent plastic part.) I think "Hey, there's some plastic in there. There MUST be food to shut my grumbling stomach up." I OPEN THE DAMN BOX. FOOD? NO. NO FKING FOOD. ALL I FKING SEE IS A PLASTIC WRAPPER. Oh wait, sometimes he's nice enough to leave some crumbs in there. OR when he's in a good mood, maybe half a biscuit. Gosh, it's so brothering.

Anyway, the droplets on my textbook have dried up. Which is a sign that i should get back to work.

WAIT I have a metaphor for our HSC. So Hao pointed out this morning that we have 9 months till trials right. Then i was like 9 months....9 months...HEY that's the length of a typical pregnancy!! (note that i said typical because i did not take into account the premature/ overdue (LOL) babehs...;) i do not generalise....generally. HAA.HAA. okay.

But it totes works. I can even put it in a deep-sounding quote. Example:

"We have nine months to go. It will be a time where we will shed tears of pain and joy. It will be one of the most excruciating nine months of our lives. (except for real pregnancy) But if we persevere, it will all be worth it in the end." (i.e. when the baby plops out.)

OOFT MUCH? okay but my explanations and commentary ruined it....a little. Okay read it again without reading the bracketed parts. I hope someone comes across my blog and then quotes me on it as inspiration...you know when you google "inspirational quotes"...i hope it will come up as one of the first results. IF WHOEVER YOU ARE, ARE DECIDING TO QUOTE ME, MY NAME IS HILARY!! So don't put it as Anon. Thanks brah.

Okay good night, and good luck for the future. I wish you all the very best. I wish nothing but the best.....forrr youuuuuuuuu sooo don't forget me, i did , i remember what you saidd...sometimes a lesson learned but sometimes it hurts instead...wow that's deep. Even though i got some of the lyrics wrong cause what i just typed did not make any sense.

Okay bye.

~heelorli